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Not Tonight, Darling! von Ahlburg, Kirsten (eBook)

  • Erscheinungsdatum: 10.02.2017
  • Verlag: Saga Egmont
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Not Tonight, Darling!

Not Tonight, Darling! is a book about women whose sexual desire has disappeared completely or in part - a problem affecting ever more people. The book goes through the various causes, in couplehood or the woman's own life, of the problem, such as stress, being pressed for time, pregnancy and childbirth, her role as a mother, her relationship to her own body, fear and pain, a lack of attention and intimacy, previous physical or mental abuse, the partners' different needs. A book for both women and couples, it helps them find the heart of the problem, and offers them the chance of dealing with it by means of hands-on exercises. Kirsten Ahlburg has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 15 years, specialising in couplehood and sexuality. In addition she has contributed to a number of newspapers and magazines as a letters editor and adviser on psychology and couplehood, and appeared in numerous television and radio programmes on these subjects. Her books Entering Couplehood...and Taking Leave of It, How to Get a Loving Couplehood and When Sex Life Becomes Deadlock are a trilogy on couplehood.


    Format: ePUB
    Kopierschutz: none
    Erscheinungsdatum: 10.02.2017
    Sprache: Englisch
    ISBN: 9788711655795
    Verlag: Saga Egmont
    Größe: 387kBytes
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Not Tonight, Darling!

1 The Natural Level

Avoid Feeling Guilty

Before dealing with the many causes of a woman's loss of sexual desire, it is important to find out if she really is losing her sexual desire, or has merely found the natural level of her sexual activity: many think that something is wrong while this is not the case at all. For instance some women will say, 'I lack sexual desire', although they actually want sex once a week. They compare themselves with others, with the ceaseless bombardment with sexual signals in the media, with their own desire in the period when they fell in love, and with their partner's desire. Then they find that they lack desire. Such women may soon enough come to feel inadequate and wrong relative to their partner. Maybe they will even develop a sense of guilt because they feel less desire. They fail to consider that maybe they have merely found the natural level of their sexual needs. In such a case it is important not immediately to define yourself as a woman lacking sexual desire: that may prove self-fulfilling. Instead you can say, 'I'm a woman with sexual desire. Only I feel my desire less often than my partner feels his.' In that way you can successfully avoid feeling wrong and developing a sense of guilt.

From Infatuation to Everyday Life

When a man and a woman fall in love everything is usually bright and happy. The woman gets all the love, care and attention she needs. The man gets all the sex he wants. They are both engrossed in each other, both physically and emotionally. Both are convinced that they have at last found their right partner. Their sex life is working, and love is flourishing.

But it rarely goes on like that: many women develop a feeling of loss once the early infatuation has waned. They feel that they do not get the attention and intimacy they did at the start, and thus they are disappointed. So are many men: they do not get sex as often as they used to. If couples are not aware of the change that is taking place, the first problems will often arise at this stage in their relationship. But in fact there is no reason to take alarm. The relationship is merely in the process of settling down.

Sexual Desire Falls off

The fact is that the reduction of the woman's sexual desire by about one half during the first year of the relationship is quite natural. The desire the couple feel in the first period of sweetness cannot be expected to last. Infatuation and the thrill of exploring the new partner usually make their sex life climax at its start in terms of frequency. This does not happen to the woman only, but in most cases to the man as well. Only he will not be aware that his needs are waning, because they fall off less than those of the woman do. So he thinks that his needs are at the same level as before, or higher: the woman's lack of interest may stimulate his desire so that he wants even more sex, simply because he cannot have it. With many couples it turns out that if a woman wants sex about every two weeks, and the man every day, and they have sex with each other for a stretch of time even though the woman does not want to, the man's desire is reduced by about three fourths. It is only possible to find out what his real needs are in such a situation.

It is quite normal for the woman to want sex every day or every two days at the start, and then find her natural level at once or twice a week. Hence it is important not to start wondering what is wrong as soon as there is a drop from every two days to once a week. Most likely nothing is wrong. Her natural level is not found during the period of infatuation, but only from six months to two years after the relationship has started. The same goes for the man as regards his need for attention, intimacy and love. With many people these needs are stronger in the beginning than when a couple of years have passed. So if people start wondering what is wrong and have long discus

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